new blog

•August 16, 2010 • Leave a Comment

If you want to read more by me, you can visit this address to my new blog site. The current site will be deleted shortly.

crazyisntsobad.wordpress.com

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good-bye blog.

•July 29, 2010 • 1 Comment

Today was not as bad as last night.

I was pissed at first because I had to wake up at five thirty (after going to sleep at three thirty) AM, but I ended up sleeping in the shower like I fucking love to do. Then I head to my friend Randi’s house, and we played Garage Hero or Guitar Band or whatever the fuck that game is called. Then we went to this FREE showing of Hotel For Dogs which I thought was going to suck and actually was adorable. We ended up having this epic paint fight and getting gross and messy (I had to wipe blue paint out of orifices you’ve never even heard of) and it was so much fun. I went to vbs and breathed away a panic attack and sang about Jesus and got soaked by a water balloon and it was great.

Then later I got to talk to M-Dig on the phone and I rarely get to do that so that was nice. I fell asleep a few million times and idk. An okay day.

I would like to say that I’m probably deleting this entire blog soon. Once I save every post to Word, I’m fucking deleting it. For reasons I rambled about last post (no one REALLY wants to read depressive shit no matter how much they care … they get freaked or offended or feel awkward and it’s a big mess) … plus, I mean, it’s just inappropriate. I think sometimes I forget that this website is not my journal (which I’ve been neglecting), I forget that it’s not personal and private and then, what, I expect people to comment? I mean, they say they will and they say they love me and all that shit, but I wouldn’t let them read my journal, would I? So why am I letting them read this?

This blog used to be fun. Back when I couldn’t pinpoint my dp to a name, even when I didn’t use the term “autopilot”, this blog was fun. I could drift away and let my fingers type and post pictures of attractive celebrities. Whatever. Those days are gone along with the girl who wrote in them and if you don’t like it then you can fucking suck it. Because … nevermind. I’m not explaining myself.

This will be the last post. It’s been an okay run. Thanks for being there .. M-Dig, Marina, Michelle, Liz, Evie, Cocoa, Random Jesus Freaks, some chick named Rachel, Adam, my creeper parents, people from dpselfhelp, StevenErnest (I’m sure), Beef, Alexis, Holly … whoever whatever. Thanks but bye.

This website will be deleted within a few weeks. Bye!

N

PS. For old time’s sake, and since it’s the last. Here is the Sexy Man of the Day. His name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt and he is most known for  his role in 10 Things I Hate About You (with Heath Ledger and that chick from The Prince and Me) and most recently seen in 2010’s Inception … HERE HE FUCKING IS.

playing let’s pretend

•July 28, 2010 • 4 Comments

oh hey guys. so it’s two in the morning and obviously everyone wants me to be really really happy right? so let’s try to be happy.

i just went on a taco run which was dumb because everyone in the car ignored me but i did get tacos so that makes my life GREAT

guess what else is nice? root beer. ohhhh yeah. root beer and my cat and the sound of the night. that’s enough to make a girl smile. that makes all the bad things in my life go away.

skype is nice to have open cuz i get to stare at his name all day. that makes me happy. and then when i’m not looking at skype, i’m looking at this depressing blog and reading all my old posts from when i was GOOD at faking happiness! but wait i’m trying tonight so okay let’s be happy.

happy happy happy. i see a plate and some white out and some pills and now that i’ve seen the pills that’s all i can think about. they’re these extra strength migraine pills (ohhh yeah) and i want to swallow about seventy two of them right now but i won’t cuz this is happy time.

i bet i’d be happy if i punched myself in the face right now. i bet that would be awesome. let’s just do that. let’s just punch myself in the face.

fuck all of you. i’m so angry.

alright. so i tried to hold in my sadness or whatever forever. that lasted about three years, which i think was pretty good for someone who puts themself out on the internet all the fucking time. so now that i’ve “come out” as a depressed skinny white shit, that’s all i ever talk about, whether it be twitter or email or skype or this motherfucking fail of a blog or whatever. and APPARENTLY that’s not good. cuz everyone might say they give a fuck but in the end, they just feel uncomfortable as fuck when i rattle on and on about my sadness. in reality, no one wants to fucking hear it. no one. they’d much rather .. admire my sadness from afar. you know. like that relative you don’t really like but you put up with and send the occasional christmas card to. they’re like, hey, i’m sorry your sad, i really am, but i’m gonna go have an awesome time with some other nice and happy and fun friends. i’ll see you later.

like, i like to have fun too. i’m not really there for all of it and my mind kinda drifts but overall it’s an okay feeling, having fun. i like to drink and smoke and fuck, i like to have sex, and i think it’s okay to be depressed and doing that stuff too. i know i’m not all here (which, oops, my bad, you guys don’t want to fucking hear about.) but the parts of me that are want to have a good time. do you think i enjoy sitting here doing nothing all fucking day? you think i like hearing the same fucked up thoughts going over and over again through my mind? do you think i enjoy dp?! fuck no! i want to get out and get wasted and be stupid and do dumb things. that is what i want to do. because i am a stereotypical fucking sixteen year old: depressed and horny. right? isn’t that right? is that what your analysis has proven? that’s all i am.

fuck all of you! god fucking damn it. i hate you. i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you.

you know what i’m gonna go do after this? have a fucking cigarette. and then i’m gonna go to sleep and wake up in four hours and go see the motherfucking hotel for dogs movie. cuz i’ve got no life. cuz i’m fucked up. cuz there is nothing to do ever in life and no point in doing it but you fucking do it anyways because otherwise you die. and when i say die i mean you kill yourself. and no offense, depersonalization, i know you really want that, but i don’t. i want a fucking chance and i want to be okay and i want to live and i want to drink and i want to smoke and i want to have sex and i want to have a job and i want to go to school and i want to fucking sleep so goodnight.

and guess what? i’m not fucking sorry for this blog. all of you assholes who read can fucking SUCK IT. you don’t have to comment, who the FUCK cares, but you can read this and know … what? that i’m fucking crazy? that i probably shouldn’t be posting this? that you’re an asshole, that you’re all fucking assholes? yes. that one. know it and feel it and fuck it until you’ve understood.

alright goodnight. fuck fuck fuck fuck.

this post is shit

•July 27, 2010 • 2 Comments

Alright. So I’ve had a very trying day. I didn’t really DO anything (besides vacation bible school at night) but sit around and mope. All I do anymore is mope or have panic attacks or sit there for hours and think about dp, which sucks, but I can’t really imagine any other life. Sure, I could go and pretend to be happy, to have fun at vbs, to be giggly on the phone with friends, but I can’t actually be happy. Dp is kind of like a dementor … it just sucks out my soul.

Okay, so I don’t think I’ve been explaining dp to you guys very well. I did link to the depersonalization Wikipedia page(which three people clicked!!!) but I do want to explain it myself. Does anyone want to read about it? Hell no. But I’ll write anyways.

For me, it’s like I have one-fourth control of myself. Someone else controls the other bit. She does stuff and she talks to people and laughs and jokes and cries and thinks. And then there’s me, who listens and watches everything that the other bit does and I have no say in what happens. Because of this, I experience life like it’s a dream, I can’t mentally focus on life and I don’t know what’s happening a lot of the time. And I cannot wake up no matter what I do or how much pain I inflict(more than just “wake up” pinches, mind you).

My panic attacks come from not knowing what’s controlling my mind and body or how I can get out of … this. It’s terrifying and frustrating and it’s so much more than everything I described but I can’t explain it. I’m freaking out just writing all this. I have to keep stopping this to force air into my lungs. Everything is so strained. Life. I feel like ending it sometimes because, I mean, what the fuck, it barely exists right now anyways. I’m driving myself crazy trying to think my way out of this FUCKING HELL so why don’t I jus

Ugh. Sorry guys. You don’t want or need to hear this.

I’ve got an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday. I  literally cannot wait until then. I don’t know how I’m going to make it. But I’ve gotta make it. Please. Somebody. Something, please let my time until Friday pass by quickly and without much pain and anxiety and sadness. I really need help.

Sorry for my psychotic ramblings. I thank you all for reading (unless you got freaked out and stopped and therefore aren’t reading this now, lol) and putting up with this even though you don’t have to. Uhm. That’s all. Bye.

N

no memory

•July 24, 2010 • 2 Comments

I was going to sit down and write a blog post about my day. But I try to turn my head around and reflect on the day but I can’t because I do not remember today. I do not remember today at all.

This is another effect of my dp (depersonalization), not remembering things, since dp for me is essentially autopilot. It’s like … MY brain shuts off and sleeps while my body continues doing stuff and talking and laughing and I’m not really awake to see it all. Sometimes, though, I can wake up and watch, but I’m never really in control. It’s weird, and even telling you this is +crazy points for me, but I still wanted to blog. I literally sat here for five minutes straining to remember anything. Nada.

Whatever.

Uhm, so, I have an obsession with blue gatorade (they have these weird new purposes with Gatorade now, instead of just  flavors like they used to). As in, in the past two weeks, it’s all I’ve been drinking besides the occasional glass of obligatory milk. But seriously, I’m guzzling it down as I type and it’s one of the only physical things I can take comfort in. Which sounds dumb, and it probably is, but I just … like blue gatorade.

Oh! I remember something I did today. So, I used to write songs back in eighth and ninth grade, and I got into raps in tenth grade, but I stopped last winter. Depression and dp hit pretty bad and I was about to move and didn’t have any inspiration so I just quit. But, uhm, the other day I wrote thing song semi-about dp and semi-about … well, my struggles with dp. No one will probably want to hear it but it’s become really important to me.

Anyways, tonight I wrote the piano part for it.  I’ve never really done that with my songs before … in eighth and ninth grade I would just put the 4B (four-beat, it’s literally just four synth noises) on my electric keyboard (from ’88) and sing off-key. In tenth, I would steal hip-hop beats from incompetech.com and pretend like someone I knew made them for me (“my good buddy Kevin MacLeod!”, I’d say, pronouncing his last name wrong. “Yeah, see, we met online and I sang for him over tokbox once … the rest is history!”) and just rap along to them. So this whole writing-my-own-backround-music is seriously serious and awesome.

I’m about to break my no-more-than-six-paragraphs rule, so I’ll head out.

N

your hands need to gtfo.

•July 21, 2010 • 4 Comments

Alright.

Today I went over to this old woman’s house because she invited me and she’s sweet and adorable and goes to my church and I wanted to. So she brings her grandson who is thirteen because we rode on the same bus to school together and she thinks we’ll be friends or whatever. I remember this kid from the bus and he was ridiculously offensive and creepy and wanna-be-sexual-with-a-woman and disgusting. But I can’t say no to the old lady because she’s a fucking old lady and you just can’t say no to those women.

So I’m at her house and the first two hours go by smoothly; we eat and play cards and it’s all fun. Then she wants to nap (cuz, you know, she’s old) and so she tells me and the kid to go watch tv in the basement. THE FUCKING SECOND we get down there and flip on the tv he starts asking me all these creepy questions like “What does fingering feel like?”,  “How big was your last boyfriend’s ___?”,  “How many times have you had seeeeeeex?” It was so … ugh. So I don’t answer any of them, obviously.

Then the little fuck whips out his cell phone and plays a ring tone. He goes “oh! A text! It’s my friend David. He says he’ll give me a dollar if I ask you for sex, five dollars for a hj, fifty for a bj, and A HUNDRED if we go all the way. We can split the caaaash!” I swear to Jesus, I almost sliced his head off with my pocket razor.  I get up to leave and of-fucking-course I have to walk past him to get to the door and he slaps my ass. I whip around to slap in the face and the fucker tries to grope me.

I apologize if this is awkward for anyone. I need to write somewhere.

I am so pissed off. I ran back upstairs and his grandma was all “let’s play another game” and I wasn’t about to tell this seventy-year-old woman that her grandson just fucking TOUCHED me, so I sit down and put on a battle face and fucking kick his ass at seven consecutive board and card games.

I am so fucking sick of guys thinking that they can touch me wherever they want to. It hasn’t even been one fucking week since I was LAST violated (granted, that one was a lot worse, but still) and even if I hadn’t previously been this still would have made me sick. He intruded on my personal space like three did on Friday and this is seriously the last fucking time someone fucks with me without my say (pun not intended :/). I am sick of this. SO. Fucking. Sick.

Again, sorry.

N

the disease of writer’s block

•July 20, 2010 • 3 Comments

I’m looking around my room, trying desperately to find something worthwhile to blog about. I see the cat, who is licking her private areas (gross, Mo, gross). I see the piles and piles of clean clothes all on the floor, which is so completely uninteresting that I’m going to end the sentence right now. I see this piggy bank with art of San Francisco, I see a dog figure made out of scrap metal, I see a clock and a graduation gown and oh that’s lovely a black bra and flip flops and pens and cameras and holy fucking shit I don’t know what to write.

And now I have a song about Jesus in my head because today I helped out at my friend’s vacation bible school. “This is the day the Lord hath made, bla bla rejoice and be glad in it”. I always love those songs at VBS because even though I’m not a superreligious or even Christian person, the songs are always upbeat and happy and cute. They even come with complex but adorable hand motions. I was feeling really down this morning and the hundred kids pumping their fists together was just the best thing for me.

SPEAKING OF MY CAT (which, yes, I know, no one was. whatever, I’m bad at transitions), have I ever showed this blog pictures of her? No? Well, I am a crazy cat lady and therefore think that my cat understands me and talks back with her eyes and all that stuff. Maybe it’s true or maybe I’m just insane. Sometimes the cat and I will have photo shoots (this is where I lose half my readers) and I’ll tell her to look one way and she will and it’s really cute. Okay. Now that you’re all freaked out, here’s a picture of my cat.

I think I’m in a good mood today. I mean, with VBS and Rock Band and texting and the cat and sleeping and karaoke, I’ve had a pretty fucking good day. Summer sometimes gets me sad because I’m bored and have to just sit here with my thoughts, which from a few posts ago, we all know are not the best.  So to have a few good days here and there is great.

That’s all I can think up today. I apologize if this post lacked … awesomeness. 😛 Also, the post is short today because I have to text all of this to Adam and the less I write the less I have to text! >:D

N