emptyness and the dreams of the low self-esteemed

This blog seems so empty with M-Dawg gone. Well, she’s not exactly GONE, but she’s spending the week with her awful Florida people. I worry for her, as they’re not especially nice, but I miss her too. I don’t get to talk to her much. She didn’t even reply to my three texts yesterday. I take that as she’s too busy. D: D:

I MISS MAH M-DAWG. ❤ ❤

M is adorabbbbble That’s my adorable M-Dig! ❤ ❤ ❤

I was just thinking, just a second ago, as I linked M-Dawg’s name to her blog … isn’t typing a magical thing? I’ve memorized all the letters, rather, my fingers have memorized all the letters, so that I can type at 85 GWAM without looking at the keyboard. I seriously think that’s awesome.

I am easily bewildered. This is not a good thing.

I woke up about half an hour ago. Want to hear my dream in three to four paragraphs? Kay.

I went inside this large-ass house, and followed a boy named Jordan (goes to my school, has a fro, the end.) into this room. There was about 20 kids and teens hanging out on the far side of the room opposite the door I came through. I knew them as the coolest kids, who I couldn’t even talk to because they were so cool. I asked to sit down on my side of the room, and a large woman came up and asked me if I was ready for my evaluation. I was feeling a tad confident so I nodded. She made me stand up straight in front of her, and while I did this, all the cooler kids watched. She then proceeded to criticize my appearance; what I was wearing, my face, AND OH YEAH, MY EYEBROWS [The only part of my clothing in the dream I could make out was a baseball cap, as I could see it. I kept moving my head so I didn’t have to see her rude-ass face.].

Finally, I just got so broken and so sad that I picked up my backpack and ran out of the room and into a room down the hall. I hid behind the open door. One of the cool kids came in, looking for me. I screamed at her to “GO AWAY”, but she tried to hug me. I knew she didn’t really care, she just wanted to look good and make me feel inferior, so I especially didn’t want to let her comfort me. I screamed at her again and – here comes my ninja debut – whipped my mp3 player cord at her. [HAHAHAHAHAHHA] I ran out of the room and up a staircase. She followed me, this time with some other chick and a cute boy.

“Why are you being such a freak?” she asked me. I just kept crying and pleading her to please leave me alone. I then ran down the hallway into what was known as THE RESTRICTED AREA … no one was really allowed back here. I knew that if I could hide in here, they’d never follow me.

I found myself in a bedroom, and a stylish one at that. Inside the room was this girl [she goes to my IRL school, she’s quite pretty and popular. I’ve never even talked to her.] named Leslie. She smiled at me as I ran in, and I asked her if I could just cool down in here for a bit. She was really understanding, and after a few minutes of my crying we talked.

Then she wanted to borrow the pants that I was apparently wearing. I said okay, but as I felt down I realized I was wearing pajama shorts.

Then I woke up, with my hands on my pajama shorts.

I’d like to discuss a few things having to do with this dream, if you don’t mind. One, my self-esteem issue. I do not have much confidence. Sorry if you had a different expectation or mindset, but I just don’t. I’m really self-conscious and it really hurts when I get negative criticism from people I love or just from strangers, like in the evaluation room. I also constantly have to look my best, and when I don’t, I just feel awful and that’s all I can think about.

Again, I don’t want your sympathy or your suggestions. Just telling you a bit about me.

That came into play in my dream, because the eval. lady pointed out all the things about myself that I’m either unsure about or that I don’t like. It was really difficult to go through that, even in a dream. When I woke up I realized it was really ME pointing out all MY bad traits. Gahh. Talk about a mind spin.

Oh, and I’d like to talk about my mother quickly. She has the tendency to point out negative things about me, or insult me in some way, so that I’m crying. When I cry or when I’m sad or when I’m angry, I just really need to cool off in my room. Otherwise, I go kind of psycho. This is in all seriousness. I have this awful energy where I feel like I could just rip her head off, literally. So it’s best to just leave me alone.

But what does my mother always do? She comes after me, trying to comfort me, much like the cool kids in my dream. This is bad for a few reasons. One, she’s the one who did this to me in the first place. She is the one who put me down so much that I’m crying and hitting things, bawling into my pillow. Two, she’s just trying to make herself look better in my eyes. She feels like if she comes to my room with open, comforting arms that she’ll somehow be forgiven. She likes to feel superior, and that is definitely how she would feel if I would ever let her hug me.

Unfortunately, she took my room key three years ago. But for now, I just press my weight against it or lock myself in the closet.

I guess, in my dream, Leslie’s room was a safe-haven. Maybe my dream is telling me that I could seek solitude elsewhere, somewhere outside my house. Or maybe it’s telling me that I just need to find someone, some kind of friend, who can comfort me as an equal, who can comfort me out of the goodness of their heart, not just to look better.

I want to find this person.

N

PS. 1090 words.

Advertisements

~ by junkinmahcranium on August 2, 2009.

2 Responses to “emptyness and the dreams of the low self-esteemed”

  1. OH NO IT’S A PHOTO OF ME. Awwww, I miss you too! Was that the day I was at the bike place? YEAHHH IT WAS! 😛 Hehe that photo is kind of BAD but kind of GOOD.
    Typing is a VERY magical thing.
    Jordan with a fro! Is it bad that I wish it was CHICKEN MAN?
    Wow, this is awful! Is it bad that I HATE THE RUDE ASS WOMAN IN YOUR DREAM? But … your eyebrows!!!
    GOOD FOR YOU, WHIPPING THE MP3 CORD AT HER!
    “Why are you being such a freak?” What a jackass!
    That’s so cool that Leslie was in your dream! She was in my gym class last year, but I didn’t get to know her all that well. But she was right to want your pajama shorts. COZ PAJAMA SHORTS ARE AWESOME!
    Wait so you know how you said, “if you don’t mind.” What if someone DID mind?!
    But I don’t. Of course!
    That is quite a mind spin. I think the worst dreams are the dreams that you wouldn’t exactly call nightmares as they are happening, but kind of haunt you throughout the day. You know?
    When you talk about the person, what do you mean by equal? Like, what would you like them to say? If anything specific that is.
    PS. Do you think that people don’t comment on posts like these because they don’t know what to say? Or they’re afraid to say the wrong thing, or something?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: