my wedding, bullies, and our smallness.

I think dreams are really important. They can tell you things you didn’t know, they can warn you about bad people or situations, and they can make you feel better. They can do a whole lot more, yes, but those are the three that usually occur with me.

Yesterday I was really down, and because of that, it took me three hours to get to sleep. But when I did, my dream was just so glorious and amazing that I felt better the second I woke up. I’d like to share this pick-me-up dream with you guys. Ready? Kay.

I was laughing and skipping out of a church sanctuary. I stopped and waited, shaking hands with people who were leaving. Everyone was congratulating me. I couldn’t stop smiling.

I was wearing my wedding dress. Pink, with sparkles [LOL AWESOME RIGHT?], and black Converse to go with. My hair was a reddish brown color, and long, done simply with most of it hanging down.

Finally everyone had left. I turned to my husband, who looked nervous. I suggested we go home and clean up before the wedding party. He agreed.

I was in my IRL bedroom. Erick Lock [this weird guy at my school IRL; annoying, creepy, bad temper, etc.] was sitting at my desk. He asked me if anything was wrong. I confided in him that my husband didn’t want to have sex yet, and I really wanted to, especially now that we were married. Erick, instead of comforting me or giving me advice, went on this story-rant about how he and all of his girlfriends do it in a bathtub in the guest bedroom of his house. Delightful, eh?

I told him to leave.

Next, I was in a ballroom in a hotel, that, off to the right, led to a cafeteria, which I walked into. I realized I hadn’t gotten any of my own wedding cake, so I walked up to a tray where a few bits remained. I looked at it in a worried fashion, then down at my dress. A girl sitting at a table (who was enjoying her own piece) said, “Have some cake, girl!” in a “you deserve it” voice. I took some, and carefully brought it over to the table. A woman told me to sit next to her, which I did.

I was handed grape juice, or perhaps wine. I drank it, very careful not to spill. Some kids ran by with baseball bats. I stood up, and started to leave, but the kids surrounded me. One looked at my cup of juice/wine menacingly. I glared at him and said, “If you spill this on my dress I will come over there and beat the shit out of you, then strangle your little scrawny neck, got it?”. He laughed but backed away. His friends followed.

That’s all I can remember about it. It just made me feel so great. There was this spectacular light throughout the dream … a pinky golden light, that made my then-married self feel so special. Everyone was paying attention to me, everyone loved me. It was awesome.

That is the exact type of light, and almost the same shade of pink as the dress in the dream. Gahh, so pretty.

It looks hot out today. I think I’ll wear jeans and a sweater.

A few weeks before school ended in ninth grade, I was sitting across from this girl in art class. She kept telling me about her boyfriend and all the neat things they did, blah blah blah. At one point she asked if I liked him, her boyfriend, as a person. I replied that, no, I really hated the guy. She then got mad at me, and basically laughed at the fact that I hated him. “You just hate him because he’s popular”, she had said.

That wasn’t it, though. I was remembering a time in my sixth grade art class when he and his also-popular friend sat next to me. They would always bully me and tell me that I was ugly and had a moustache and a unibrow and my hair was greasy and I was flatter than a board and no one would ever love me, etc. [Granted, that stuff was true, but I didn’t need them telling me that at age 11.] They would take my colored pencils out of my hands and chuck them across the room, and while I was retrieving them, they would make barking sounds and act like we were playing Fetch.

It was awful.

I had explained all that to the girl in my ninth grade art class, but she just waved it off with a “oh, he’s really nice now.” I’m sure he is to YOU, girl, because you’re dating him. But I’ve seen him in the halls, making fun of mentally-challenged kids, laughing with his too-cool friends about how fucking cool they all are. He hasn’t changed.

Once a bully, always a bully.

I was just thinking about that today, and how much I really, REALLY hate bullies. I’ve never been able to pick apart why they bully the ones they do. Why little sixth grade me, with my corny-saying sweatshirts, pink glasses, and too-small pants? Why are you asking to arm wrestle the kid with the broken arm? What did we all do to YOU?

The last time I checked, we were all just trying to exist in our little corner of our little state of our little country of our little world of our little, tiny, eensy weensy universe. We were all just plain old living, day by day, and you had to hurdle into our personal lives, making our days hell.

We only have a short time on this earth, and bullies seem to ENJOY fucking up the majority of it. I’ve just never understood them, and I don’t think I ever will.

It amazes me, though, that there were still bullies in ninth grade. I was in high school, for my own sake. Shouldn’t people be mature by high school’s time? Guess not. Guess not.

I think there was a post before about bullying. Let me find it. Here it is, too angry to type well, from May of 2009. I think there was even another post, let’s see if I can find it. There were two in June, one was just a quick rant about bullies and the nerdy social class, and another was about the aforementioned girl in ninth grade art.

There will probably be even more posts about them as I am one to get bullied (but only by this one group of friends). I’m positive that if they weren’t mature in ninth grade, they won’t be mature in tenth, either. One can hope, but honestly? All my hope was lost when I got tripped in ninth grade spanish class, on my way up to give a presentation. And if I had any hope after that, well, it was lost when I got gum thrown at me (at my head, but thankfully it missed) in ninth grade gym class. And if I had even a SHRED of hope after that, it was lost in the blow of some spitballs at my face during ninth grade algebra.

Gah, bullies. Gahh.

Map picture

This is my part of the Midwest (I purposely fit both my and Marina’s part 😀 ).

Now look at it again:

Map picture

and again:

Map picture

and again:

and AGAIN:

Just … just look how tiny we are. And it gets even tinier:

Gahh. My mind boggles, but not really, because I know that we are so small. So very small. We matter so little in the course of the universe, and other star systems as well.

So small. So small.

N

PS. 1294 words.

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~ by junkinmahcranium on August 3, 2009.

7 Responses to “my wedding, bullies, and our smallness.”

  1. That is so amazing that you can remember your dreams so clearly, and so often! I useally just remember if it was good or bad, if even that.
    Ahh Bullys stink.
    Once a bully always a bully is not always true.
    If it is an actual troubled kid that is bullying, and then they get some help, then they useally will stop bullying.
    AND MAY I REMIND YOU OF SPINNER!?!?
    I love the very inaccurate layout of our solarsystem! It is very pretty though.
    If you don’t mind I would like to mention there is only one universe seeing uni is a root meaning one, but there are several other solar systems.

    • Oh, you’re right! Wrong word on my part. 🙂 Thanks.

      Spinner was too cute to ever be mean forever 😀

      I dunno if it’s that I REMEMBER my dreams, I just know them as they’re happening. When I wake up, they don’t come rushing back to me. It’s just like watching a movie in my head. When the movie is over, you don’t suddenly remember it. You know what happened as it happened. That’s what dreaming is like for me 🙂

    • And yeah, I tried to find the prettiest 😀

  2. Blerg. I posted a comment and then it somehow never appeared. O_o WordPress is being mean to me… it keeps logging me out on Michelle’s blog (but only Michelle’s blog) and randomly deleting my comments.

    Aaaanyways, I said that the dream sounded pretty flipping awesome, aside from the no-sex and I-do-it-in-the-tub portions. That sounded awkward. XD

    But really, I’m with Mina on the remember your dream thing. Plus, even when I do it’s not much help because they’re always really bizarre. Like, recently I had a dream in which I was married to Charles Shaughnessy (YAY!) and I baked him cookies (huh?). Oh, and then I ran into Lauren Lane (another actress on The Nanny) but all my teeth fell out so I couldn’t communicate with her. Yeah.

  3. I am also impressed by the vividness of your dreams. I’m jealous!

    I find it funny that the moon is bigger than what looks like Pluto in the last picture 😀

    For some odd reason I was never bullied. I think they just felt too sorry for me to bully me. I was that quiet awkward – very very asian girl – who just shied away from everybody. So I was always – and still am – very perplexed when I found out that yes they do exist. Which is why this post makes me kind of hate the dude because hey, it’s a friend of mine that’s getting bullied. Gah.

    And I really doubt they mature. They grow up but they’ll still be immature in new ways. If they don’t grow up by High School I don’t think they ever will.

  4. YES PICK ME UP DREAM. I am ready!
    AWESOME WEDDING DRESS!
    Uh oh, nervous husband. Is that foreshadowing?
    ERICK LOCK? LOL ARE YOU SERIOUS? The funniest part is, what if he googles himself and finds this?! HAHAHAH
    All of his girlfriends? IN THE BATHTUB? TOGETHER? That’s very disturbing. Very … Erick Lock.
    I kind of love these kids. And how protective you are of your wedding dress. ❤
    Oooh, that is a beautiful dress!

    • What, she couldn’t even respect your opinion?
      And why the hell do people do that? I mean, FETCH? Seriously? What kind of pleasure does it bring them? I mean, some bullies bully others because they have a lot of pain in their own lives, but some of these people … what is wrong in theirs?
      I totally agree. Bullies are just one of the types of people I can never understand.
      I don’t think they’ll be more mature. One can only hope that they become less obnoxious. Doubtful, though.
      Okay, so you know that picture of the US of A? I LOVE THAT THE ONLY THING LABELED IS LAKE HURON.
      Hehe, that last picture is so goofy.
      Sometimes my mind just boggles on how many people and creatures and just SPACE there is besides us. Even in our country. We hardly matter, but matter so much at the same time!

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