guilt.

In my last public post, I mentioned guilt as motivation to write a blog. I was rereading the post (because I went crazy and everyone’s comments were so fucking supportive and I needed support and you guys gave it to me and yeah.) and I saw that and reading that actually made me want to blog again. Maybe guilt isn’t the motivation, maybe motivation is motivation enough. Having a want to write and let others know what’s going on could be enough of an incentive to just write and write and not care who hates and care who helps … is this making any sense? I’m going in circles.

I’ve been sleeping a lot, lately, because I find that sleep is one of the few places I find solace. For those of you who don’t know, solace just means peace or the state of being content. My dreams are comforting sometimes, more real than life most times, and when I leave them I get really sad. In order to sleep a lot, I’ve been drinking a lot of Mt Dew and then waiting for the crash to hit. This plan is good for myself and my sanity but not really good for anyone else. My mom gets pissed that I sleep through church (she’s a pastor and wants me to go hear her preach), my friends are hurt when I forget to call them like I promised, and my cat gets hungry because I am hours late in feeding her.

That’s where the guilt comes into play again. I feel guilty for letting people/the cat down, but when I don’t let them down I have to go crazy for longer every single day. Is that selfish? Is wanting a few hours of peace more than wanting healthy relationships a bad thing? Sometimes I think it is and sometimes I find nothing wrong with it. I’d like some other opinions.

ALSO with guilt … I feel guilty about this blog in general. Not that I write in it very occasionally, but just for my readers and my friends. A lot of my friends read because they’re my friends and they care about me, but when I want/need to blog about something scary or sad or important I feel guilty for putting them through that. And I know Marina and Dig said in the comments last time that they’ll read what I have to say whether it’s sad or happy, but I still feel guilty. I have a guilt problem.

And I feel guilty even writing that last paragraph! I might delete it. Maybe not. Urg. This is confusing. >.<

N

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~ by junkinmahcranium on July 18, 2010.

6 Responses to “guilt.”

  1. I’m aware I didn’t comment last time and that makes ME feel a little guilty. I want to reach out and help in whatever supportive role you need me to be in.

    Also, although you can clearly see the reasons not to sleep, I myself, am a massive fan of sleep and condone it. Though maybe not so much when a cat is in hunger…

    x

    • Liz, no worries. You don’t have to be there 24/7 to comment. From that Skype conversation I know that you care and that means more than a missed comment.

      I fed the cat today 🙂

  2. You have to remember, in order to have a healthy relationships, you need to come first. While that’s only true to a point, you don’t want to make the relationship about you, or be self centered, but you do have to care for yourself FIRST. A few hours to yourself is not selfish, it’s sain, and should be normal. Not enough people take time for themselves, in wanting to please others. Your friends will understand. Meanwhile, I can’t guarantee the cat will…

  3. I completely agree with Marina, I mean, she totally said it. Hit it right on the nose. Is at one with the money. Is that a phrase? But yeah. She knocked it out of the park. And it’s really hard to find that balance of pleasing others and pleasing yourself, but again, Marina said it right, you do need to come first. What’s that saying, “you can never love another until you love yourself?” Fuck it, that doesn’t even apply here. But still. Look out for numba onhhh. Do you remember in that Glee episode where Puck is being grilled by Will about the glist and he’s like, in relation to his badassity or something, “I’m numba onhhh” and it sounds like he gurgles/swallows the last bit? That totally just popped into my head when I said that. But no, it’s not selfish. AT ALL.

    And because everyone else did, I fell like I should end my comment with an ellipsis and something about your cat…

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