no memory

I was going to sit down and write a blog post about my day. But I try to turn my head around and reflect on the day but I can’t because I do not remember today. I do not remember today at all.

This is another effect of my dp (depersonalization), not remembering things, since dp for me is essentially autopilot. It’s like … MY brain shuts off and sleeps while my body continues doing stuff and talking and laughing and I’m not really awake to see it all. Sometimes, though, I can wake up and watch, but I’m never really in control. It’s weird, and even telling you this is +crazy points for me, but I still wanted to blog. I literally sat here for five minutes straining to remember anything. Nada.

Whatever.

Uhm, so, I have an obsession with blue gatorade (they have these weird new purposes with Gatorade now, instead of just  flavors like they used to). As in, in the past two weeks, it’s all I’ve been drinking besides the occasional glass of obligatory milk. But seriously, I’m guzzling it down as I type and it’s one of the only physical things I can take comfort in. Which sounds dumb, and it probably is, but I just … like blue gatorade.

Oh! I remember something I did today. So, I used to write songs back in eighth and ninth grade, and I got into raps in tenth grade, but I stopped last winter. Depression and dp hit pretty bad and I was about to move and didn’t have any inspiration so I just quit. But, uhm, the other day I wrote thing song semi-about dp and semi-about … well, my struggles with dp. No one will probably want to hear it but it’s become really important to me.

Anyways, tonight I wrote the piano part for it.  I’ve never really done that with my songs before … in eighth and ninth grade I would just put the 4B (four-beat, it’s literally just four synth noises) on my electric keyboard (from ’88) and sing off-key. In tenth, I would steal hip-hop beats from incompetech.com and pretend like someone I knew made them for me (“my good buddy Kevin MacLeod!”, I’d say, pronouncing his last name wrong. “Yeah, see, we met online and I sang for him over tokbox once … the rest is history!”) and just rap along to them. So this whole writing-my-own-backround-music is seriously serious and awesome.

I’m about to break my no-more-than-six-paragraphs rule, so I’ll head out.

N

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~ by junkinmahcranium on July 24, 2010.

2 Responses to “no memory”

  1. I SHOULD COMMENT ON THE REST OF THIS
    BUT I CANNOT FOR I AM VERY EXCITED
    BECAUSE YOU ARE WRITING A SONG
    I DO NOT THINK YOU KNOW HOW EXCITED THIS MAKES ME
    “No one will probably want to hear it but it’s become really important to me.” I would love to hear it if you would let me. I’d understand if it was too personal to share, but if you’re willing, I would love to listen.
    Wow. Actual piano music. That’s amazing dude. Really. <333333

    • This was the best comment, ever. 😀 I’m glad! I WILL send it to you, once it’s completed.
      Along with piano, I’m adding in bits of percussion (there’s a lot of perc equipment at church), my recorder, one set of backup vocals … yeah. xP Trying to go all out. But it won’t be like the nine layers of grossitude in Bulld Me Up, Buttercup, cuz that zucked. I think it’ll be pretty. 🙂

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