this post is shit

Alright. So I’ve had a very trying day. I didn’t really DO anything (besides vacation bible school at night) but sit around and mope. All I do anymore is mope or have panic attacks or sit there for hours and think about dp, which sucks, but I can’t really imagine any other life. Sure, I could go and pretend to be happy, to have fun at vbs, to be giggly on the phone with friends, but I can’t actually be happy. Dp is kind of like a dementor … it just sucks out my soul.

Okay, so I don’t think I’ve been explaining dp to you guys very well. I did link to the depersonalization Wikipedia page(which three people clicked!!!) but I do want to explain it myself. Does anyone want to read about it? Hell no. But I’ll write anyways.

For me, it’s like I have one-fourth control of myself. Someone else controls the other bit. She does stuff and she talks to people and laughs and jokes and cries and thinks. And then there’s me, who listens and watches everything that the other bit does and I have no say in what happens. Because of this, I experience life like it’s a dream, I can’t mentally focus on life and I don’t know what’s happening a lot of the time. And I cannot wake up no matter what I do or how much pain I inflict(more than just “wake up” pinches, mind you).

My panic attacks come from not knowing what’s controlling my mind and body or how I can get out of … this. It’s terrifying and frustrating and it’s so much more than everything I described but I can’t explain it. I’m freaking out just writing all this. I have to keep stopping this to force air into my lungs. Everything is so strained. Life. I feel like ending it sometimes because, I mean, what the fuck, it barely exists right now anyways. I’m driving myself crazy trying to think my way out of this FUCKING HELL so why don’t I jus

Ugh. Sorry guys. You don’t want or need to hear this.

I’ve got an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday. I  literally cannot wait until then. I don’t know how I’m going to make it. But I’ve gotta make it. Please. Somebody. Something, please let my time until Friday pass by quickly and without much pain and anxiety and sadness. I really need help.

Sorry for my psychotic ramblings. I thank you all for reading (unless you got freaked out and stopped and therefore aren’t reading this now, lol) and putting up with this even though you don’t have to. Uhm. That’s all. Bye.



~ by junkinmahcranium on July 27, 2010.

2 Responses to “this post is shit”

  1. Hey Nora! Dp sounds so scary. Wish I could help more. Good luck on Friday! And if you ever need to talk you know who to text!

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